Jokes Options

[Barkmann]

Ok im back with some jokes for you guys.

A brunette says to a blonde Look! A dead bird! and the blonde looks up and says Where?

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!

Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge

1. I got your community service right here pal!
2. Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on.
3. You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!
4. You're not as easy to buy as others said you were.
5. No you robe wearing geek.
6. I don't suppose there's a You get me off, I get you off type of deal out there?
7. Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

1.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
2.Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
3.Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
4.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5.You start introducing yourself as Jim at net dot com
6.Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
7.You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
8.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
9.All of your friends have an @ in their names.
10.When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
11.Your dog has its own home page.
12.You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
13.You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.
14.Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
15.You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
16.You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
17.Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
18.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
19.You tell the kids they can't use the computer because Daddy's got work to do -- even though you don't have a job.
20.You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
21.Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.
22.You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.
23.You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
24.The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
25.You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
26.Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
27.As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.


6PAk I think number 26 is for you....lol....

This post has been edited by Barkmann: 01/06/07 4:50am

[Barkmann]

Nice one lol...


Heres another.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.