The Deer Story, Kinda long, but funny. Options

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I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first
step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they
congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that
it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over
its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up...3 of
them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I
wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step
towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and
received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That
thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it
and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of
the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to
get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let
it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and
painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess
that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several
large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing
my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I
could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small
chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation
we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I
managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder
...a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when
I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its
head...almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back
slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you
may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand
and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer
behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They
rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder
level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you
with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise
and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause
them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was
a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a
millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and
tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to
turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance
that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different
from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as
evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of
the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally
managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I
had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt
broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding
in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from
most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the
co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like
hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running
out yelling "what happened"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an
individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they
have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law
enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned
that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as
criminal. I swear....not wanting to admit that I had done something
monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was
attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on
it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my
jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face
where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get
me...I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to
know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe
the attack as completely and accurately as I could...I was filling the
grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking
the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or
something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy
at the co-op has a big mouth).

For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw
deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their
feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around
here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider...a "city
folk"...I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my
back and whispering "there is the dumb-ass that tried to rope the deer

[flatliner]

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