Jokes, Post all NON RACIST jokes here.. Options

[Gen.Sam]

I figured I'd make this post before I went to bed, fyi emo's arent a race

[Barkmann]

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.""Alright" says the bartender.As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.""Comin' right up" the bartender says.As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"



An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief."No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying.""No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up...... and drink my poison..."



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"



A friend email me these. So here you go....



This post has been edited by Barkmann: 08/21/07 8:11pm