stoopid joke friday thread, it is friday Options

[futureman]

i saw these two on the IC-ZZL and they made me giggle.....

Three Labrador retrievers one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I @#%$ on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I @#%$ in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the @#%$ of it When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."





what do you call a boomarang that doesnt come back?

a stick.

[futureman]

just because it's friday....more from the Z

So this lady is at the grocery store and goes up to the checkout counter with just a few miscellaneaous items...a half gallon of milk, one loaf of bread, a half dozen eggs, a six pack of soda, etc. The clerk behind the counter says, "you must be single, huh?"

The lady responds, "Yes, could you tell because of the items in my basket?"

"No, because you're ugly."

..............................................................................


In Jerusalem, a CNN reporter heard about an old Jew who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for his adult life.

She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News, Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For more than 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for over 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#%$ ing wall."


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A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital in to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but.... it's the only food we can get under the door."


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A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Hal. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Hal the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Hal.

The farmer takes Hal home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Hal seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Hal takes off like a shot. WHAM! Hal nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Hal is in there. Later, the farmer sees Hal after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again – he gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Hal out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Hal on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Hal, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down; now look what you've done to yourself." Hal opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhhh.........they're getting closer."