stoopid joke friday thread, it is friday Options

[futureman]

i saw these two on the IC-ZZL and they made me giggle.....

Three Labrador retrievers one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I @#%$ on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I @#%$ in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the @#%$ of it When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."





what do you call a boomarang that doesnt come back?

a stick.

[futureman]

i'll paste em in...just because of my intense boredom.








In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the
kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a
moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

Suzy: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched"

Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"

Suzy: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched"

Teacher: "Very good Suzy, anyone else?"

Ralph: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my Mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke"

Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?

Ralph: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teacher: " Very good Ralph, anyone else?"

Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"

Little Johnny: "Don't @#%$ with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"


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Three men want to become agents for the FBI. So man #1 (lets call him John) goes to the FBI headquarters, he arranges a meeting with the head of the FBI. The head FBI agent, takes him to a private room. He hands him a gun, he says, 'here's a gun, go into that room over there and shoot your wife.'
John says, 'no way.'

Man #2 (Jim) goes through the same proceedings and gets the loaded gun. He looks at it for about 10 min. and finally decides that his wife is worth more than a good job.

Finally Man #3 goes to the FBI (Tom), he gets the gun and agrees that he will go and shoot his wife. So... he goes into the room, and the head of the FBI hears 6 shots, and crashing and banging. The man comes out with blood all over his body and the head asks what happened. Tom says, 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair.'


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Two guys were in line at the ticket counter at the airport. One said to the other, "Have you ever made a Freudian slip?" The other guy said, "I'm not sure I know what that is." "Well, for example, when I walked up to this counter and that good looking woman asked if she could help me, I meant to say, I need two tickets to Pittsburgh, but what came out was, I need two pickets to Tittsburgh." The other guy said, "Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean. That happened to me the other night. I was sitting down to dinner with my lovely wife of 20 years. I meant to say, please pass the potatoes, but what came out was, YOU'RE MAKING MY LIFE MISERABLE, YOU @#%$."

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One of the greatest jokes of all time, but so UN-PC:

A woman was very depressed with the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, for quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to consult a sex @#%$. Her doctor recommended that she make an appointment to see Dr. Chang, the well known sexual psychologist, so off she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said to her, “OK, take off all your crose”. So she did.

“Now, get down and crawl reery fass to other side of room”. So she did.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now crawl reery fass to me”. So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see. That why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a**.”