Joke Thread, post all your jokes here Options

[Too Exclusive]

we need some damn humor on this forum. I'll kick it off:

So I walk into a bar one day, and order a few drinks. I notice that there's a jar full of money there, so I ask, "Hey bartender, what's this jar for?"
"It's for all the people that try to make the horse out back laugh. They put 5 dollars in, and if they make it laugh, they get the whole jar."
So I put 5 dollars in, go out back, and two minutes later the horse comes in laughing his ass off, so I walk out with the money.
Next month I walk in the bar, and there's another jar there with less money in it, so after ordering a few drinks, I ask the bartender what the jar was for. He said it's for all the people who tried to make the horse out back cry. So I go outside, and a few minutes later the horse comes in crying his eyes out. As I'm walking out with the money, the bartender inquires, "How did you make the horse laugh last month and then make him cry this month?"
I said, "Well, last month, I told him I was more hung than him, this month I showed him."

There's this farm, and on the farm there's a horse and a girl. One day, the horse asks the girl if she wanted to go for a walk, and she agrees. They set off on their journey, and after 5 minutes the horse slips and falls into the mud! "Help me girl!" he shouts.
The girl exclaims, "Oh my god! I'll go get the BMW!" So a few minutes later, she has the car, ties a rope around the horse, and lifts him out of the mud.
"Thank you girl!" says the horse.
The next day, the girl asks the horse if he wants to go on another walk, and the horse gladly agrees. This time, the girl falls in the mud. "Help me horsy!" the girl cries out.
The horse stands over her and says, "I don't need no BMW, grab on!" So the girl grabs on to the horses dong, and the horse lifts her out of the mud.
"Thank you horsy!" says the girl.
Moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks, you just need to be hung like a horse

everybody should post the best jokes they know.

This post has been edited by Too Exclusive: 08/06/05 9:53am

[Too Exclusive]

this one's classic... but im sure u prolly all seen this before.

A true story from Sydney Australia.

This sort of thing never happens in New Zealand.

If you are under 18, proceed with a caution that what follows could offend you.

I found it hillarious..

Any way here goes.. apologies in advance...
==================================

Subject: FW: Sydney radio


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game,
however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its
knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. >
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if >
>you win. What is your name? First only please."
> Contestant: "Brian."
> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
> Brian: "Yes."
> DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
> Brian: "Sara."
> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
> DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
> that if a trip wasn't at stake."
> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?"
> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
> for a couple of weeks..."
> DJ: "Uh huh..."
> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
> times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
> >
>work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of
> commercials follow.
> DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
> tones.....ringing....)
> Clerk: "Kinkos."
> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
> Clerk: "This is she."
> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
> >
>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
> give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules >
>of 'Mate Match'?"
> Sarah: "No."
> DJ: "Good!"
> Brian: (laughing)
> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
> Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
> completely honest."
> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
> your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to >
>the Gold Coast for 5days on us.
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
> DJ: "What time?"
> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?">
> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his >
>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away >
>from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
> DJ: "Where did you have it?"
> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
> Sarah: "Well..."
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
> Sarah: "Up the arse....."
> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
> break"
i hope they won.