Joke Thread, post all your jokes here Options

[Too Exclusive]

we need some damn humor on this forum. I'll kick it off:

So I walk into a bar one day, and order a few drinks. I notice that there's a jar full of money there, so I ask, "Hey bartender, what's this jar for?"
"It's for all the people that try to make the horse out back laugh. They put 5 dollars in, and if they make it laugh, they get the whole jar."
So I put 5 dollars in, go out back, and two minutes later the horse comes in laughing his ass off, so I walk out with the money.
Next month I walk in the bar, and there's another jar there with less money in it, so after ordering a few drinks, I ask the bartender what the jar was for. He said it's for all the people who tried to make the horse out back cry. So I go outside, and a few minutes later the horse comes in crying his eyes out. As I'm walking out with the money, the bartender inquires, "How did you make the horse laugh last month and then make him cry this month?"
I said, "Well, last month, I told him I was more hung than him, this month I showed him."

There's this farm, and on the farm there's a horse and a girl. One day, the horse asks the girl if she wanted to go for a walk, and she agrees. They set off on their journey, and after 5 minutes the horse slips and falls into the mud! "Help me girl!" he shouts.
The girl exclaims, "Oh my god! I'll go get the BMW!" So a few minutes later, she has the car, ties a rope around the horse, and lifts him out of the mud.
"Thank you girl!" says the horse.
The next day, the girl asks the horse if he wants to go on another walk, and the horse gladly agrees. This time, the girl falls in the mud. "Help me horsy!" the girl cries out.
The horse stands over her and says, "I don't need no BMW, grab on!" So the girl grabs on to the horses dong, and the horse lifts her out of the mud.
"Thank you horsy!" says the girl.
Moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks, you just need to be hung like a horse

everybody should post the best jokes they know.

This post has been edited by Too Exclusive: 08/06/05 9:53am

[Too Exclusive]

Obtuse Instructor Arrested
AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered
to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed
that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every
triangle. Right-angled extremists expressed this belief more squarely."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-extrapolates, who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen,
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random
facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read
my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."