stoopid joke friday thread, it is friday Options

[futureman]

i saw these two on the IC-ZZL and they made me giggle.....

Three Labrador retrievers one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I @#%$ on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I @#%$ in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the @#%$ of it When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."





what do you call a boomarang that doesnt come back?

a stick.

[futureman]

couple more...

A blonde and a guy get into an elevator on the way to work. The blonde sighs out loud and say's, "T.G.I.F."

The guy responds by saying, "S.H.I.T."

The blonde is confused and repeats, "T.G.I.F."

The guy again responds by saying, "S.H.I.T."

Puzzled, the blonde feels the need to explain and tells the guy, "Thank God it's Friday!"

The guys shakes his head and replies, "Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."




So this horse walks into to a bar,

the bartender takes one look and says "hey fella, why the long face?"

[futureman]

just because it's friday....more from the Z

So this lady is at the grocery store and goes up to the checkout counter with just a few miscellaneaous items...a half gallon of milk, one loaf of bread, a half dozen eggs, a six pack of soda, etc. The clerk behind the counter says, "you must be single, huh?"

The lady responds, "Yes, could you tell because of the items in my basket?"

"No, because you're ugly."

..............................................................................


In Jerusalem, a CNN reporter heard about an old Jew who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for his adult life.

She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News, Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For more than 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for over 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#%$ ing wall."


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A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital in to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but.... it's the only food we can get under the door."


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A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Hal. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Hal the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Hal.

The farmer takes Hal home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Hal seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Hal takes off like a shot. WHAM! Hal nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Hal is in there. Later, the farmer sees Hal after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again – he gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Hal out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Hal on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Hal, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down; now look what you've done to yourself." Hal opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhhh.........they're getting closer."

[futureman]

i'll paste em in...just because of my intense boredom.








In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the
kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a
moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

Suzy: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched"

Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"

Suzy: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched"

Teacher: "Very good Suzy, anyone else?"

Ralph: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my Mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke"

Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?

Ralph: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teacher: " Very good Ralph, anyone else?"

Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"

Little Johnny: "Don't @#%$ with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"


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Three men want to become agents for the FBI. So man #1 (lets call him John) goes to the FBI headquarters, he arranges a meeting with the head of the FBI. The head FBI agent, takes him to a private room. He hands him a gun, he says, 'here's a gun, go into that room over there and shoot your wife.'
John says, 'no way.'

Man #2 (Jim) goes through the same proceedings and gets the loaded gun. He looks at it for about 10 min. and finally decides that his wife is worth more than a good job.

Finally Man #3 goes to the FBI (Tom), he gets the gun and agrees that he will go and shoot his wife. So... he goes into the room, and the head of the FBI hears 6 shots, and crashing and banging. The man comes out with blood all over his body and the head asks what happened. Tom says, 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair.'


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Two guys were in line at the ticket counter at the airport. One said to the other, "Have you ever made a Freudian slip?" The other guy said, "I'm not sure I know what that is." "Well, for example, when I walked up to this counter and that good looking woman asked if she could help me, I meant to say, I need two tickets to Pittsburgh, but what came out was, I need two pickets to Tittsburgh." The other guy said, "Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean. That happened to me the other night. I was sitting down to dinner with my lovely wife of 20 years. I meant to say, please pass the potatoes, but what came out was, YOU'RE MAKING MY LIFE MISERABLE, YOU @#%$."

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One of the greatest jokes of all time, but so UN-PC:

A woman was very depressed with the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, for quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to consult a sex @#%$. Her doctor recommended that she make an appointment to see Dr. Chang, the well known sexual psychologist, so off she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said to her, “OK, take off all your crose”. So she did.

“Now, get down and crawl reery fass to other side of room”. So she did.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now crawl reery fass to me”. So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see. That why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a**.”

[soup nazi]

what do you call cheese thats not yours?

nacho cheese

[futureman]

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob". This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Fifteen years later, the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry. Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[Solidrocker]

i got a few



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one day a teacher walks into her classroom and the word penis is written very small on the blackboard, the teacher erases it and goes n with her day.the next day the same word is written on the blkackboard but bigger she erases it and goes on with her day.

this goes on for several weeks until ne day the word takes up the entire blackborad .she erases it and goes on witrh her day. the next day the the teacher walks into the classroom and written in the board is the more you rub it the bigger it gets.


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one day a little boy walk in on his mom in the bathtub.l the boy points to his moms bush and says "whats that mommy" the mom doesnt know what to say so she replies " it my sponge honey" the boy seems satified so he leaves. a couple of weeks later the mom has shaved for the bikini season. the boy walks in on his mom once agian and says "wheres your sponge mommy" the mom replies"i lost it honey can u help me find it. the boy says " ok" and walks off the next day the boy runs into his moms room and says " mommy mommy the neighnor lady has ur sponge and shes washing daddys face with it!"


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a farmer osama bin laden and uncle sam are walking in the dessert one day. they come upon a magic lamp.the rub it and a genie comes out. "u may all have 1 wish each" says the genie. first the farmer says "i wish the land on my farm will be forever fertile so my kids and their kids will always be able to farm. next osama bin laden says " i wish taht there would be a wall fifty miles hifh and a mile thick surronding afghanistan so my people would be safe forever" it is done" said the genie. next uncle sam sits and thinks he thinks and thinks and thinks. then finally he says "fill it with water."

[xl-FLAME-lx]

tooo many jokes but the ones i did read were fuckin hillarouse lmfao...

[Nicky Santoro(The Wise Guys)]

Fred and Wilma decide to take a bath for the first time together from the Flinestones. Fred drops the soap and bends down to pick it up and asks "hey... what's that" Wilma replies with, "it's my rock." Then Wilma drops the soap and bends down to pick it up and asks, "hey.... what's that," Fred replies, "that is my rock." Then Fred goes, "I got an idea! Let's bang rocks and make pebbles."

[NecroKitty]

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

---

Think about it.

[Shifty]

[xl-FLAME-lx]

lmfao got necros and shifty's reallll fast lmfao