Joke Thread, post all your jokes here Options

[Too Exclusive]

we need some damn humor on this forum. I'll kick it off:

So I walk into a bar one day, and order a few drinks. I notice that there's a jar full of money there, so I ask, "Hey bartender, what's this jar for?"
"It's for all the people that try to make the horse out back laugh. They put 5 dollars in, and if they make it laugh, they get the whole jar."
So I put 5 dollars in, go out back, and two minutes later the horse comes in laughing his ass off, so I walk out with the money.
Next month I walk in the bar, and there's another jar there with less money in it, so after ordering a few drinks, I ask the bartender what the jar was for. He said it's for all the people who tried to make the horse out back cry. So I go outside, and a few minutes later the horse comes in crying his eyes out. As I'm walking out with the money, the bartender inquires, "How did you make the horse laugh last month and then make him cry this month?"
I said, "Well, last month, I told him I was more hung than him, this month I showed him."

There's this farm, and on the farm there's a horse and a girl. One day, the horse asks the girl if she wanted to go for a walk, and she agrees. They set off on their journey, and after 5 minutes the horse slips and falls into the mud! "Help me girl!" he shouts.
The girl exclaims, "Oh my god! I'll go get the BMW!" So a few minutes later, she has the car, ties a rope around the horse, and lifts him out of the mud.
"Thank you girl!" says the horse.
The next day, the girl asks the horse if he wants to go on another walk, and the horse gladly agrees. This time, the girl falls in the mud. "Help me horsy!" the girl cries out.
The horse stands over her and says, "I don't need no BMW, grab on!" So the girl grabs on to the horses dong, and the horse lifts her out of the mud.
"Thank you horsy!" says the girl.
Moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks, you just need to be hung like a horse

everybody should post the best jokes they know.

This post has been edited by Too Exclusive: 08/06/05 9:53am

[realdeal]

Did you hear that Too Exclusive locked his keys in his car? Yup, needed to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

[Maddcapp]

Hey Too Exclusive -

[Too Exclusive]

Rabbit Joke

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,
.
.
.
.

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[Too Exclusive]

ahhh you'll love this one:

A girl goes into the doctor's office

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?"asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[Too Exclusive]

this one's classic... but im sure u prolly all seen this before.

A true story from Sydney Australia.

This sort of thing never happens in New Zealand.

If you are under 18, proceed with a caution that what follows could offend you.

I found it hillarious..

Any way here goes.. apologies in advance...
==================================

Subject: FW: Sydney radio


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game,
however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its
knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. >
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if >
>you win. What is your name? First only please."
> Contestant: "Brian."
> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
> Brian: "Yes."
> DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
> Brian: "Sara."
> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
> DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
> that if a trip wasn't at stake."
> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?"
> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
> for a couple of weeks..."
> DJ: "Uh huh..."
> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
> times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
> >
>work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of
> commercials follow.
> DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
> tones.....ringing....)
> Clerk: "Kinkos."
> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
> Clerk: "This is she."
> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
> >
>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
> give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules >
>of 'Mate Match'?"
> Sarah: "No."
> DJ: "Good!"
> Brian: (laughing)
> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
> Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
> completely honest."
> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
> your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to >
>the Gold Coast for 5days on us.
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
> DJ: "What time?"
> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?">
> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his >
>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away >
>from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
> DJ: "Where did you have it?"
> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
> Sarah: "Well..."
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
> Sarah: "Up the arse....."
> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
> break"
i hope they won.

[Too Exclusive]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual
check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The
80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now
have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and
then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is
an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day,
when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry
and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver
sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and
went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Too Exclusive]

ahhh love this one:

Ventriloquist.


A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He
figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
>
>
>
>
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a bloody liar!"

[Too Exclusive]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[Too Exclusive]

Bills

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No
health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He
replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who
could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Too Exclusive]

Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part. "Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..

[Too Exclusive]

Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good).....
>
>
>
>
>
'a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis'.

[Too Exclusive]

NEWLY DISCOVERED CHINESE PROVERBS



Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Too Exclusive]

Obtuse Instructor Arrested
AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered
to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed
that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every
triangle. Right-angled extremists expressed this belief more squarely."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-extrapolates, who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen,
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random
facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read
my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

[Too Exclusive]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

^ that teacher's my hero.