 New Rules |
| realdeal |
 11/02/05 9:03pm
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#1
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 Admin  Group: Not The One & Only Posts: 7517 Joined: July 26th 2002 From: New York Member No.: 2  |
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place -------------------- |
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Replies(1 - 14)
| |$aucy| |
11/02/05 10:38pm
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#2
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 Major General  Group: {MOB} Posts: 3057 Joined: September 11th 2004 From: New York Member No.: 896 Xfire: bradd |
LOl.
.......... ............. --------------------  {MOB}... Often Imitated, NEVER duplicated |
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| Leadmagnet |
 11/02/05 11:25pm
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#3
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 Second Lieutenant Group: {MOB} Posts: 339 Joined: August 25th 2005 From: Palm Desert, CA Member No.: 1313 Xfire: seekrmk4 |
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| Maj. H8Red |
11/03/05 3:00am
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#4
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 Major General Group: Banned Posts: 2922 Joined: July 13th 2005 From: Hockey Town Member No.: 1247 Xfire: majorh8red |
that was funny
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| Bargod |
11/03/05 3:42am
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#5
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 The Bargod Group: {MOB} Posts: 5008 Joined: March 4th 2004 From: Dallas Member No.: 641 Xfire: bargod |
Thanks Real, I needed that.
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| TheGhost |
11/03/05 3:42pm
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#6
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 Colonel Group: Banned Posts: 1208 Joined: April 12th 2005 From: Brockton, Massachusetts Member No.: 1138 Xfire: theghost921 |
omg that was so freakin hilarious!!
--------------------   lawlerberries on my rofflewaffles |
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| Hatch |
11/03/05 4:16pm
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#7
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 Sergeant Major Group: Forum Member Posts: 81 Joined: November 1st 2005 From: Gulfport MS. Member No.: 1403 |
lmao
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| Isis |
11/03/05 9:57pm
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#8
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 Second Lieutenant Group: Forum Member Posts: 370 Joined: July 17th 2005 From: Maine Member No.: 1256 Xfire: tldisis |
But I like my eyebrows!!
 And I am going to get my tat damn you! But on my neck , not above my ass...  -------------------- |
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| colonelbounds |
11/03/05 10:05pm
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#9
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 Colonel  Group: {MOB} Regs Posts: 856 Joined: June 28th 2005 From: Livingston, Texas Member No.: 1223 Xfire: colonelbounds |
Holy crap !! I havnt had a good laugh in a while !! Thanks Real !!
--------------------  Sig by Ghost...Thanks dude, I love you man !!  Sig by Jekyl...Thanks man !! |
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| realdeal |
11/04/05 1:57am
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#10
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Admin Group: Not The One & Only Posts: 7517 Joined: July 26th 2002 From: New York Member No.: 2 |
QUOTE(Isis @ 11/03/05 9:57pm)  But I like my eyebrows!! Do you have 2 of them?  -------------------- |
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| Bargod |
11/04/05 4:41am
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#11
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The Bargod Group: {MOB} Posts: 5008 Joined: March 4th 2004 From: Dallas Member No.: 641 Xfire: bargod |
QUOTE(Isis @ 11/03/05 10:57pm) But I like my eyebrows!! And I am going to get my tat damn you! But on my neck , not above my ass... Uh, Isis... I hope your neck is above your ass.. LOL -------------------- |
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| Isis |
11/04/05 7:39am
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#12
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Second Lieutenant Group: Forum Member Posts: 370 Joined: July 17th 2005 From: Maine Member No.: 1256 Xfire: tldisis |
Yes, I have two. BG, I was referring to those lower back tats. You know, the ones Vince Vaughn refers to in Wedding Crashers as a sign of being easy?
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| Rocker |
11/04/05 10:57am
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#13
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First Lieutenant Group: Forum Member Posts: 137 Joined: February 16th 2005 Member No.: 1073 |
On your neck??? Umm I usually only see those on biker chics or dikes. I'm not a big fan of tattoos but the front pelvis area or lower back are the sexiest.
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| realdeal |
11/04/05 11:50am
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#14
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Admin Group: Not The One & Only Posts: 7517 Joined: July 26th 2002 From: New York Member No.: 2 |
QUOTE(Isis @ 11/04/05 7:39am) I was referring to those lower back tats. You know, the ones Vince Vaughn refers to in Wedding Crashers as a sign of being easy? Oh yeah, I call them the "Mark of the Slut" ... Needless to say, I love them. -------------------- |
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| Isis |
11/04/05 9:14pm
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#15
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Second Lieutenant Group: Forum Member Posts: 370 Joined: July 17th 2005 From: Maine Member No.: 1256 Xfire: tldisis |
If I really need to get technical, I wanted one on the back of my neck, just below the hair line and it would be one simple chinese symbol for 'faith', sized about 2 inches by 1 inch...I don't think that qualifies me as a 'dike'...
Second, I think this... QUOTE(realdeal @ 11/04/05 11:50am) Oh yeah, I call them the "Mark of the Slut" ... should tell you why I wouldn't get one of these... QUOTE(Rocker @ 11/04/05 10:57am) ...the front pelvis area or lower back are the sexiest. -------------------- |
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