NEWS FLASH - Rueters
The French Government announced yeterday that it
has raised its terror
alert from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing their military...
Full Version: NEWS FLASH
LOL thats a good one Undertow!!!!
PFFFFFFT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO!!
Lest we forget France's glorious military history:
French Military History
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
French Military History
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
omfg that is awesome...ROFLMFAO!
FOR SALE:
One French WWII Rifle.
Never fired, dropped once.
One French WWII Rifle.
Never fired, dropped once.
This thread could go on forever, the French are just too easy to make fun of......
A Frenchman, an American, and a Brit were all busy getting drunk in Saudi Arabia when the cops burst in. They were soon sentenced to death, but through good lawyers, the three men were able to reduce their sentence to life. As luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each recieve 20 lashes and be let go.
It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The Brit thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." They do, but it only holds for 10 lashes.
The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 lashes.
The judge turns to the American and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes."
The American replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honerable and asks "And your second?"
The American answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."
A Frenchman, an American, and a Brit were all busy getting drunk in Saudi Arabia when the cops burst in. They were soon sentenced to death, but through good lawyers, the three men were able to reduce their sentence to life. As luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each recieve 20 lashes and be let go.
It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The Brit thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." They do, but it only holds for 10 lashes.
The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 lashes.
The judge turns to the American and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes."
The American replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honerable and asks "And your second?"
The American answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."
France
LOL I've seen that list before Bullet, good stuff. The one thing I've yet to figure out is if there were really Marlboroughs in the War of Spanish succession. There must have been tobacco in Europe by that point coming from North America. And the French did better against the Huguenots than the list suggests, the Edict of Nantes (me thinks) ended it basically in a tie though.
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